I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
