I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
