Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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