The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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