I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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