well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
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