Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
