it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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