After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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