non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
