When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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