So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
