i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
These tits shall not be calmed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
