He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
