Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
