How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
