I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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