Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
