I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
