I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
