i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
