Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
