I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
