does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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