I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
