My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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