I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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