Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
