He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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