its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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