Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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