nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
