totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
