If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
