Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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