My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
