I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
