dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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