I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
