i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
