Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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