If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
