Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
