We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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