either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
