His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
