I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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