I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
