i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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