Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
