I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
