he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
